Life Lately 7.14 (LoA version)
So much for making myself breakfast
My leave looks nothing like I expected it to and is exactly what I needed it to be so far.
Life lately:
Strawberry Matcha from Grounded
My favorite house in East Lawrence on my morning walk
Sundays with Dad
In LFK, on Saturdays we have brunch in bike shops under the light of disco balls
Farmer’s Market with friends
Late nights writing at home
Back on my yoga mat
Taking time to admire the flowers
I’m just shy of the halfway mark and I’m already starting to get excited about heading back to work (that’s good news).
We’ve made headway on some projects related to my dad’s independence (we’ve signed up for Senior Wheels so he can get rides to doctor appointments), he’s been released from wound care, and I have wrapped up the last bits from my mom’s estate.
There’s still some projects on my to do list, but I feel no rush to get them tackled immediately. They’ll get done in the coming weeks before I go back.
I’ve slept both more and less than I thought I would.
I’ve done zero reading or painting and minimal writing.
I feel more rested than I have in a while.
The brain fog is receding.
I feel more and more like myself everyday.
Taking time away isn’t magic. I didn’t wake up on day 3 “cured”. I’m only about 30% better/calmer. I anticipate by the end of week 5 I’ll be at 60%. If I had 12 weeks off I’d probably get to about 75%.
The reality is we aren’t meant to live the way we do. Trudging through life, hustling to pay bills, staring at screens all day and then some more at night. And I have it easier than most. My day to day outside of the last 6 months is full of privilege. I have the means to pay for help. I have the privilege of flexibility. In the grand scheme of things, my life is VERY easy.
It still doesn’t mean we’re built to do this day to day grind.
My leave has come in the middle of what full time Lawrence residence lovingly refer to as Townie Summer. It’s the quiet period between May 15 - July 20th when the bulk of the KU students decamp from town.
Lines and wait times are shorter, the streets are less crowded, things just feel calmer, lazier, an easier pace.
The early signs of its end have started to appear - groups of 18 year olds attending orientation are appearing on Mass St. Bar patios are packed on Friday and Saturday nights as upper class men come back for the end of July apartment shuffle (all leases in Lawrence run Aug 1 - July 27th to accommodate the academic year).
I feel myself launching some internal pressure to move faster, get things done.
I’m trying to stay here, in the moment, right now.
I do not wish to return to urgency. My duties, yes, false urgency, no.
This year has taught me about how little is truly in my control - only my own reactions, how I care for and manage my own experience and feelings. That’s it, that’s all I can control. The rest isn’t up to me.
Rushing around, saying yes to other’s urgency gives me a false sense of control. It’s also what’s burned me out.
I tried to control so much after my mom died. Check list, spreadsheet, get it done, don’t feel anything, just get it done. Once it’s done you’ll feel better.
That’s absolutely not how it works.
So for now, I’m staying curious. I’m straying grounded. I’m staying here, in the final days of Townie Summer, enjoying the quiet. Letting my to do list unfold as it will. Allowing others to take the reins.
I’m heading to Texas for lots of hugs, a celebration of new life and the joy of old friends.
With my head clearer and my pace a little slower, more steady, I’m hoping to finally get to my paint brushes and manuscripts. I’m hoping to to crack open a few books and spend some time on my yoga mat.
We’ll see. For now, we’re just letting it unfold.